6 Months After Laying Off

 It has been 6 months after laying off. How I feel... 

I feel empty, useless, lost of dreams, lost of respect for myself, and lost of the meaning of life. I blame myself for everything I have through. I blame how I was incapable and also not good enough for myself. 

I don't have time or maybe I am not let myself grieve or crying like I used to. I don't have my Sophie in my side this time when I broke. like always, she always by my side to watch me cry. 

I lost my confidence

I lost feeling control myself 

I lost my professional identity

1 month after laying off. I believe it has been my fault. 2 months after laying off, I believe my boss got his karma. Three months after laying off, I believe I am not alone. Two my colleague has been laying off too. For 4 months I believe, someone who doesn't like me is the one who has responsibility for why I lost my job.  

But, 

Whatever happens in the past, still burns me inside. Whatever happens outside, I still can't control it. Nothing can change. I am still jobless. 

I was read helping mental health when someone losing their job. 

It is written, I should avoid beating myself up.  I should change the word and I should appreciate more for myself. But, how? how I can change the world if I feel so lost. I have no one who can cheer me up. Even I so realize happiness is under my control. 

Stay at home mom

 I would talk about how women keeping their dream for her family. 

When you decide to get married, you know everything about compromise. I have been at home since 6 months ago. As someone who can't stay at home before and always keeping me busy in my job, I never thought I will be a stay-at-home mom. 

from research stay-at-home moms likely to get depression than working moms. 

never been in my mind, I will stay at home and compromise with a man. I never think about that. Then, everything has changed. I love him more than my dream. Love changed someone. Sometimes I get worried and asking too many questions about my decision. I was afraid if one day he will let me down. However, I tried to believe in him. 

Today, I am expecting my first baby, our first baby. He/she still in my womb, growing healthy as we wish. As a new mom, I always happy and scared at the same time. People keep telling me how motherhood is, and I think I feel it now. once again, love changed someone. 

My PCOS (1)

 So, I decided to write every day. 

Today I will tell you about my PCOS struggle. yes, I have unbalanced hormones. Started 2019, I have a lot of problems with acne, mood, sleep but not for periods. Since I do not have something wrong with my periods, I don't think I have something wrong with my body. Then, it started when I married. My husband and I don't think we are postponing having a kid. then, I found out, my periods having trouble. I have long periods and every time I check on pregnancy tests, it always negative. and once upon a time, I haven't periods for 70 days, and again, it always negative. I went to the doctor to check if I have a miracle such as I am pregnant but somehow pregnancy test can't detect it.  But, the doctor diagnoses me have PCOS. but the doctor told me I have a big egg so I have more chance to pregnant than PCOS in smaller eggs. He told me to started my healthy lifestyle and keeping my diet on protein and vegan-based. and he told me to read more journal about PCOS then decides my turn. Since I married less than 1 year, he doesn't rush us to get pregnant as soon. He keeps told me to keep my happy mood and pray as always. 

two months later, 

That is not my period's time but it's time for the covid vaccine. In Indonesia, pregnant women cannot get the covid vaccine.  for this case, I don't want to take a risk. I bought my pregnancy test and nothing to lose. 

surprised, I am pregnant 😀

I never ever expected I will pregnant soon. I hope my symptoms not getting worse and the bonuses I got my first pregnancy. 

I will be sharing my diet in my next post. 

 most people will be thinking Indonesia isn't okay. But, some people will keep this in their mind, some people will give their opinion on their private social media and some will shout harder. 

this week, Indonesia surprised by UI student executive board criticism of Mr. Jokowi as king of lip service. Why? they thinking some opinion out of him different from his act. They give their opinion depends on their research and it's quite amazing. 

Not too long from their post, some UI students have been hacking by unknown. This is not surprising to me. I have been watching some cases suddenly silenced by again unknown. 

Mr. Jokowi has been promised to strengthen Komisi Pemberantasa Korupsi and today all Indonesian know 70 KPK investigator has been dismissed. This is one of some cases why people criticism his work. 

As an unknown woman without power, I don't know how to react to this thing in my country. I just pray this thing will be over soon and the kind-good-smart leader will be born soon. 

keep alive

 

It's has been 1.5 years covid hit Indonesia and almost 2 years spread in the world. Started in China, people thinking it will be the same as SARS. Every person feeling the impact, of losing their loved one, job, and mind.  Every leader is examined with crisis time and the fool one will become laughing stocks. 

I never think about Indonesia before. I lived in my small box in a small town with a forever leader as a king. I never think about someone tell me how the leader will be showing their true face in the second time there as a leader. I think this is true because I feel the funny and worst leadership the second time. No one knows exactly what happens with the state budget and everything just losing. The country doesn't have enough money to keep its people not hungry for a while. Some people steal the state budget with an unbelievable number and they're still okay with that. And the poor will become poorer. Many people cant keep their stomachs for some little food. and of course, the country doesn't care. And what the book says about you just need to adapt when the bad government did the job. 

So, keep alive. Thinking about your family first. Noone cares about you unless yourself. 

Plastic Bags

 Did you ever count how many plastic bags in one day you get?

one time I went to a traditional market, I can get 2 plastic bags from one seller. How if I went to 10 sellers in one time I went to market? I will get 20 plastic bags and they will end up in the trash. Maybe I should try to bring my own container. 

 

 How to deal with anything injustice or inequality?

I am sick of it. From workplace until how your country deals with everything. 

The poor can die easily here despite the richer will drag more money. I am totally sick of it. 

Jakarta, Livability. Accept or leave it

 Jakarta.. The capital city of Indonesia. The megacity. The most attractive city for Indonesian to work and live in. 10.56 million people live legally, and more than that illegally. Why? it is because they commute between the peripheries, work and spend their day from 9 to 5 in Jakarta. Living in Jabodetabek and living from the wheels in Jakarta. As a center of Indonesia's economy, the center of government, and also the center of most livability in Indonesia. 

But, as a person who grows up in a small city.. Live and work in Jakarta never cross my mind my whole time. I always dreamed how I spend my time and of course my whole time in Yogyakarta, in my home since I was little, and I just leave it for my masters or maybe PhD. and of course back to my peacefully small town and teach in my alumni. 

Then, someone makes me change my whole time plan. yes, because I was young and falling in love - at the same time broken heart. He makes me think to try and change my plan to see Indonesia. Living in the new town, living in Jakarta, and of course, live with my own. And I did. I fall to others and many job seeking. I got my first job in the center of Jakarta, in Sudirman street which I never know how people trying so hard to work there before. I never knew how prestigious work there and of course never cross in my stupid-innocent-mind how I will looking skyscraper every day when I work. Too good to be true. And short time, I decided to spend my rest here, Jakarta. Working and living also bought my first property here. I live not too far from Jakarta but still, my mom thinking about how far I live from Jakarta.... I just live maybe 5 or 6 km from Jakarta's borders. And I still get good public transportation in here; Busway, KRL, and I will get MRT. Because I bought an old house in an old community, I got a really good price and condition (in my opinion of course). But then, the big problem is my first flood experience ever... Yeah Me and my husband living on a low budget and first experience in flood. The good thing is my nice and kind neighbor help us a lot. lucky us. 

Our first flood experience teaches us a lot. It is nightmare for us. We never ever sleep peacefully if rains come. We wake up a lot and checking our daily water level. Like every 3 hours. And we started to talk to move to other neighborhoods. But, where we can find the free flood place and near from city center with a lot of facilities like our neighborhood? also with a really good price? thinking about an apartment? well no, both of us knowing how sucks apartment law in Indonesia. And we think about having a child and it is a bad place for growing our kids. another reason, we don't have enough money to buy a good apartment. Just thinking about 500.000.000 rupiah and you just get a very small apartment..... 

and tonight, I just realize how many families thinking to leave Jakarta but stuck with it. And the conclusion is to take it or leave it. With the bad side of Jakarta, we still need life in here. and try to love our loveable flood house. 

Thinking

 How if your dream is not to attach with the job? How if, you feel different from others? 

I'm so afraid of being attached or stayed in one place in a long time. 

Working 8 hours day by day and forgetting about enjoyed life. I afraid meeting a toxic working environment and bad boss then I can't leaving them as soon as possible. 

After getting lay off from my latest job, 

i feeling disappointed about myself. I was feel fail,not good enough and worst thing is uncappable. 

then 

I need break time maybe nine months to think what is my passion. 

I cant found any public document in HERE

 20 February 2021

This is my first time in my life, Flood. Not in my boarding house, but in my own house. 

 How hard cleaning up everything I have after the flood. This 3 a.m and I woke up to saving everything I can reach to. 

After one week,  

4 March 2021

Not finished yet, but better than before. I can use my kitchen, my floor feel smooth and I can't feel the dust. 

In front of my laptop, I look for 

What Tangerang Selatan Government did after every year Tangerang Selatan especially my neighborhood flood? 

and what I found?

Nothing

Yeah, as a regional planner I can't found any file on the internet about their prevention of disaster. Fyi, as a public document, it should easy to find it. And I just found 1 file with how many laptops in every section have. I don't find any map, strategic planning, etc. 

Like... wtf 

They should have in public access to strategic planning, the map, and explanation in every sub-district. This place located near Jakarta, one of the supermegagiga big city in Asean. This Tangerang selatan is a buffer city for Jakarta. And they don't know how to put strategic planning on the internet. 

I feel living in a remote area with everybody just leave from the pre historic area. 

 

Zoom easy way to us

 For almost 1 week I have been taking an English course using zoom. I never thought it will be normal to take an English course in a cheaper way. I do not need time to go to the English course ( Gas, makeup every day, changing clothes, throw 1 hour for driving time). I just need to spend 20 minutes using hijab ( maybe less in 1 hour) and open my laptop. Everything just so easy for me. My English teacher, he does not need to take or maybe spend money for house rent, chairs, or table to us. He just needs to preparing good material and good connection. There will be a new future. 😀