Today, after one year we (me and my blogs) promise to study harder. HAHA

And what happened in one year? nothing happens. Time flies so fast. I can't blame myself. and all guilty feelings it's still here.

 Let we see again. 

 Marriage is challenging. I never knew how difficult it would be.

Raising a child is another aspect. I never knew how everything wouldn't be so supportive of motherhood. I realize I've been let down by my expectations.

Since December, my daughter has been attending daycare. I know that, according to Indonesian rules, it's not right to bring your kids if you're not a working mom. I had no choice in this matter. I know it may seem selfish, but I need some time for myself – to study, to read, to do everything without being followed by my daughter. I'm not blaming her for being so attached to me, but it's time. We need to move forward to continue my dream. I want to give her everything I couldn't have when I was young. I want her to go to the best school I can't. I want her to go there without worrying about money. I know and believe she has a lot of potential, and I would blame myself if I couldn't afford her education.

My dear Alna,

Your mother is not a smart kid. I need to study harder than everyone else to be the same as others. You are what I really want to be. I am grateful to have you. You will be the smart woman I aspire to be if I become smarter. I am truly grateful to be your mother. Today, I don't know how our future will be. I almost gave up on all of this. I have no idea what I would do if I don't go back to school. How can I afford you? How can I afford your education? How can I bring you to many beautiful places I really want to show you? How can I tell you that our world is not small, not just Pondok Aren or Jogja? We have a big and beautiful world, and I really want to take you to every place in the world. I want to tell you that someday you'll have a bad day, but I can show you how big our world is, and you shouldn't be sad if something isn't right. I want to take you to a country where the seasons have brown, white, green, and orange moods.

My dear Alna,

Without you, maybe I would give up. Just remember that someday, when you have a bad day and want to give up, someone has a reason to live because of you, and that someone is me.

I love you, Alna. Thank you for being my reason to keep walking.

social wedding cost in Indonesia

In our early twenties, we often find ourselves confronted with a common question: 'When are you getting married?' Marriage is a prevailing subject of conversation, particularly in Indonesia. Responses to this question vary, reflecting both humor and practicality.

Some individuals respond with Indonesian jests, injecting light-heartedness into the conversation. They might say, 'If it's not on a Sunday, then maybe on a Saturday,' or humorously suggest, 'I'll consider it when the weather clears up,' implying that they are waiting for ideal conditions to tie the knot.

Conversely, there are those who approach the question more seriously, discussing the financial aspects of marriage. They might mention the substantial costs associated with a wedding ceremony and reception, as well as the financial responsibilities that come with starting a family. These considerations often lead young adults to carefully plan their future and assess when the right time for marriage might be.

In Indonesia, where cultural norms and expectations regarding marriage are deeply rooted, these conversations are not merely idle chatter. They reflect the diverse perspectives and considerations that young adults weigh as they navigate the path toward marriage. While humor and financial pragmatism are prevalent responses, the decision to marry is a deeply personal one, influenced by a myriad of factors, both humorous and serious.

 Cultural norms, such as societal pressures to marry at a particular age, often exert coercive influence on young adults, compelling them to seek marriage hastily. However, this rush to wed without adequate financial and emotional preparedness can give rise to a host of challenges.

The expectation to marry at a young age, deeply ingrained in certain cultures, can lead individuals to make hurried decisions regarding marriage. These decisions are frequently driven by external factors, rather than personal readiness, and can result in unintended consequences.

When individuals embark on matrimony without attaining financial stability, they may find themselves grappling with the financial burdens of a wedding ceremony and the subsequent responsibilities of starting a family. This can strain their financial resources, potentially leading to debt and stress.

being insecure for a long time 

 Halo

long time no write again. I have been so busy this week or maybe this month. I have been trying to run small business. I just selling impor kids' book. Not fancy or not much margin i got but it still running and i am really happy about that. I hope i can be back to study English again soon. 

 I have been finishing my Ginny Georgia series for the 1 week. I almost quit in early episode when i got so sick about Ginny attitude. A rebel-Gen Z teenager make me sick. But, in episode 6 i got me cried so hard. I am cry because i really know how hard being a mother. How big and deep mother love to their children. Georgia work so hard to make her kids safe and live. But what she got? a judge, a angry from only love. 

Like wtf. 

But i am still waiting season 3....  

Today I have already learned, how I was easily distracted by everything. I promised myself, I will be focused to study. No matter what, I must go for a master's degree. I was spending 2 years doing nothing at all. Even i am not prepared for everything. I change easily where i want to go. One day i want to go to the US but the other day, i just want to be close to indonesia maybe Australia will be okay. But somehow i want to challenge myself to be a world citizen but again one day i want to Europe maybe UK will be okay and enough. One day i think i can be in the top ten world universities but the next day i think i am not good enough and maybe Indonesia will be enough for me. 

Well, forget my impulsive thought in the middle of the day with my baby just sleeping 50 minutes ago.

I am her mother

This time, i am tired to fight anymore. This time all off my energy was falling down. I just tell "yes" but I don't do anything. I don't care, She just nobody for me. I am just tired of how I put all expectations on my husband for all of this fight. For stand up for me. I thought he would be protecting me for all lambasting. But i was wrong. He never stood up for me. to protect all the pain, to protect me for being hurt. He just quiets as usual. He's just silent. This time all my tears clogged in my throat. It is hurt. I was tried to think something else when i was just running in my little poor kitchen. I can't cry. Not this time. Not in my own home. Not today. 

Even when my little girl was just accused of something i know she is not. I am her mother. I know her every day. I know exactly what happened to her. She is okay. She is all right. She just defisit calories. That is why she is not look like cutie fatty little girl. But she is all right. 

How i was sure how healthy she is. She is fine and healthy when every toddler i ever know just getting sick. She is fine totally fine. 

I am her mother and i know exactly what happen to her.  

 Last night, i was broke down into a piece. Cried so loud than ever. I got mad, insane and wet at the same time. My head was full of something i can't explain. I am just so down. I really hate my life now. I love my kids ever, the best thing i ever have. I just hate.... him. I don't know. Nothing gone wrong. I just think it all lie. Just lie. I know he never happy with me or really love me. I just know. 

I am feeling lonely. The loneliest feel i ever know. Everyone quiet, i am all alone. Noone really cares about me. Noone really asks me. Noone really talks to me. 

Citron: The exquisite fruit that brings rabbis (synopsis)

Every summer for preparation Jewish holiday, all rabbis in the world come to Italy for handpick the best citron. 

Citrons are far less unknown than his family members. The trees have extremely need lots of care. The citrons trees need regular pruning and protection by nets. Some pure citrons tree need to be declare and following the rules such as weight, perfectly smooth skin and neither too round and long. 

Jewish community believe citron from Italy is the purest and perfect than others. 

The citron plant arrived in the same time with Jewish migrations. The best place citron for grow is between mountain and the sea. In Italy, Citrons is made for any kind of food such as ice cream, oil, cocktails and candied fruits. 

New Year, New Me?

 We all know about this. Every year, every new year celebration every commercial break uses this slogan. 

From health diet, gym class, new car, new house, bank, until household. People start with some wish list they want to catch in this year. 

Before i start my wish list, i want to flash back in 2022. 

My 2022 kaleidoscope:

January: 

1. My baby is 3 months old. 

2. My birthday

3. My baby first staycation

4. My baby got her first tantrum in her first visit restaurant

February:

1. Moving to mom in law house

2. Lot of my baby pict

3. My bff send me a lot of asi booster

4. A lot of coffee

March: 

1. Move to Jakarta, back to our home

2. Wedding invitation

April:

1. Playdate 

2. My baby fallen down

3. First driving back to hometown with baby 

May:

Playdate again

June:

1. First time go to massage and my hubby back to health again. 

2. Back to hometown to stay when my husband and mom in law went to hajj

3. healthier 

July: 

1. Girls day out bring my baby

2. Wedding invitation with my girl

3. Husband back from hajj

August: 

1. Back to Jakarta

2. Staycation at Semarang 

September 

1. Hubby birthday

2. First time as a giveaway winner

3. Back to Hometown for wedding invitation

October

Got lost in BSD. Like where it is? F 👀it is still in BSD???

my baby is 1 year old 💖

November 

1. trying some new place

2. mom in law is in town

3. mom n dad is in town

December

Back to hometown for another wedding party.

Maybe i don't have something important to tell or maybe i don't have any achievement in myself. But i hope i can achieve something this year. 😕

This year, i want to start my life more discipline, less social media and more reading.