Marriage is challenging. I never knew how difficult it would be.

Raising a child is another aspect. I never knew how everything wouldn't be so supportive of motherhood. I realize I've been let down by my expectations.

Since December, my daughter has been attending daycare. I know that, according to Indonesian rules, it's not right to bring your kids if you're not a working mom. I had no choice in this matter. I know it may seem selfish, but I need some time for myself – to study, to read, to do everything without being followed by my daughter. I'm not blaming her for being so attached to me, but it's time. We need to move forward to continue my dream. I want to give her everything I couldn't have when I was young. I want her to go to the best school I can't. I want her to go there without worrying about money. I know and believe she has a lot of potential, and I would blame myself if I couldn't afford her education.

My dear Alna,

Your mother is not a smart kid. I need to study harder than everyone else to be the same as others. You are what I really want to be. I am grateful to have you. You will be the smart woman I aspire to be if I become smarter. I am truly grateful to be your mother. Today, I don't know how our future will be. I almost gave up on all of this. I have no idea what I would do if I don't go back to school. How can I afford you? How can I afford your education? How can I bring you to many beautiful places I really want to show you? How can I tell you that our world is not small, not just Pondok Aren or Jogja? We have a big and beautiful world, and I really want to take you to every place in the world. I want to tell you that someday you'll have a bad day, but I can show you how big our world is, and you shouldn't be sad if something isn't right. I want to take you to a country where the seasons have brown, white, green, and orange moods.

My dear Alna,

Without you, maybe I would give up. Just remember that someday, when you have a bad day and want to give up, someone has a reason to live because of you, and that someone is me.

I love you, Alna. Thank you for being my reason to keep walking.