I have been finishing my Ginny Georgia series for the 1 week. I almost quit in early episode when i got so sick about Ginny attitude. A rebel-Gen Z teenager make me sick. But, in episode 6 i got me cried so hard. I am cry because i really know how hard being a mother. How big and deep mother love to their children. Georgia work so hard to make her kids safe and live. But what she got? a judge, a angry from only love.
Like wtf.
But i am still waiting season 3....
Today I have already learned, how I was easily distracted by everything. I promised myself, I will be focused to study. No matter what, I must go for a master's degree. I was spending 2 years doing nothing at all. Even i am not prepared for everything. I change easily where i want to go. One day i want to go to the US but the other day, i just want to be close to indonesia maybe Australia will be okay. But somehow i want to challenge myself to be a world citizen but again one day i want to Europe maybe UK will be okay and enough. One day i think i can be in the top ten world universities but the next day i think i am not good enough and maybe Indonesia will be enough for me.
Well, forget my impulsive thought in the middle of the day with my baby just sleeping 50 minutes ago.
This time, i am tired to fight anymore. This time all off my energy was falling down. I just tell "yes" but I don't do anything. I don't care, She just nobody for me. I am just tired of how I put all expectations on my husband for all of this fight. For stand up for me. I thought he would be protecting me for all lambasting. But i was wrong. He never stood up for me. to protect all the pain, to protect me for being hurt. He just quiets as usual. He's just silent. This time all my tears clogged in my throat. It is hurt. I was tried to think something else when i was just running in my little poor kitchen. I can't cry. Not this time. Not in my own home. Not today.
Even when my little girl was just accused of something i know she is not. I am her mother. I know her every day. I know exactly what happened to her. She is okay. She is all right. She just defisit calories. That is why she is not look like cutie fatty little girl. But she is all right.
How i was sure how healthy she is. She is fine and healthy when every toddler i ever know just getting sick. She is fine totally fine.
I am her mother and i know exactly what happen to her.
Last night, i was broke down into a piece. Cried so loud than ever. I got mad, insane and wet at the same time. My head was full of something i can't explain. I am just so down. I really hate my life now. I love my kids ever, the best thing i ever have. I just hate.... him. I don't know. Nothing gone wrong. I just think it all lie. Just lie. I know he never happy with me or really love me. I just know.
I am feeling lonely. The loneliest feel i ever know. Everyone quiet, i am all alone. Noone really cares about me. Noone really asks me. Noone really talks to me.
