6 Months After Laying Off

 It has been 6 months after laying off. How I feel... 

I feel empty, useless, lost of dreams, lost of respect for myself, and lost of the meaning of life. I blame myself for everything I have through. I blame how I was incapable and also not good enough for myself. 

I don't have time or maybe I am not let myself grieve or crying like I used to. I don't have my Sophie in my side this time when I broke. like always, she always by my side to watch me cry. 

I lost my confidence

I lost feeling control myself 

I lost my professional identity

1 month after laying off. I believe it has been my fault. 2 months after laying off, I believe my boss got his karma. Three months after laying off, I believe I am not alone. Two my colleague has been laying off too. For 4 months I believe, someone who doesn't like me is the one who has responsibility for why I lost my job.  

But, 

Whatever happens in the past, still burns me inside. Whatever happens outside, I still can't control it. Nothing can change. I am still jobless. 

I was read helping mental health when someone losing their job. 

It is written, I should avoid beating myself up.  I should change the word and I should appreciate more for myself. But, how? how I can change the world if I feel so lost. I have no one who can cheer me up. Even I so realize happiness is under my control.