being insecure for a long time 

 Halo

long time no write again. I have been so busy this week or maybe this month. I have been trying to run small business. I just selling impor kids' book. Not fancy or not much margin i got but it still running and i am really happy about that. I hope i can be back to study English again soon. 

 I have been finishing my Ginny Georgia series for the 1 week. I almost quit in early episode when i got so sick about Ginny attitude. A rebel-Gen Z teenager make me sick. But, in episode 6 i got me cried so hard. I am cry because i really know how hard being a mother. How big and deep mother love to their children. Georgia work so hard to make her kids safe and live. But what she got? a judge, a angry from only love. 

Like wtf. 

But i am still waiting season 3....  

Today I have already learned, how I was easily distracted by everything. I promised myself, I will be focused to study. No matter what, I must go for a master's degree. I was spending 2 years doing nothing at all. Even i am not prepared for everything. I change easily where i want to go. One day i want to go to the US but the other day, i just want to be close to indonesia maybe Australia will be okay. But somehow i want to challenge myself to be a world citizen but again one day i want to Europe maybe UK will be okay and enough. One day i think i can be in the top ten world universities but the next day i think i am not good enough and maybe Indonesia will be enough for me. 

Well, forget my impulsive thought in the middle of the day with my baby just sleeping 50 minutes ago.

I am her mother

This time, i am tired to fight anymore. This time all off my energy was falling down. I just tell "yes" but I don't do anything. I don't care, She just nobody for me. I am just tired of how I put all expectations on my husband for all of this fight. For stand up for me. I thought he would be protecting me for all lambasting. But i was wrong. He never stood up for me. to protect all the pain, to protect me for being hurt. He just quiets as usual. He's just silent. This time all my tears clogged in my throat. It is hurt. I was tried to think something else when i was just running in my little poor kitchen. I can't cry. Not this time. Not in my own home. Not today. 

Even when my little girl was just accused of something i know she is not. I am her mother. I know her every day. I know exactly what happened to her. She is okay. She is all right. She just defisit calories. That is why she is not look like cutie fatty little girl. But she is all right. 

How i was sure how healthy she is. She is fine and healthy when every toddler i ever know just getting sick. She is fine totally fine. 

I am her mother and i know exactly what happen to her.  

 Last night, i was broke down into a piece. Cried so loud than ever. I got mad, insane and wet at the same time. My head was full of something i can't explain. I am just so down. I really hate my life now. I love my kids ever, the best thing i ever have. I just hate.... him. I don't know. Nothing gone wrong. I just think it all lie. Just lie. I know he never happy with me or really love me. I just know. 

I am feeling lonely. The loneliest feel i ever know. Everyone quiet, i am all alone. Noone really cares about me. Noone really asks me. Noone really talks to me. 

Citron: The exquisite fruit that brings rabbis (synopsis)

Every summer for preparation Jewish holiday, all rabbis in the world come to Italy for handpick the best citron. 

Citrons are far less unknown than his family members. The trees have extremely need lots of care. The citrons trees need regular pruning and protection by nets. Some pure citrons tree need to be declare and following the rules such as weight, perfectly smooth skin and neither too round and long. 

Jewish community believe citron from Italy is the purest and perfect than others. 

The citron plant arrived in the same time with Jewish migrations. The best place citron for grow is between mountain and the sea. In Italy, Citrons is made for any kind of food such as ice cream, oil, cocktails and candied fruits. 

New Year, New Me?

 We all know about this. Every year, every new year celebration every commercial break uses this slogan. 

From health diet, gym class, new car, new house, bank, until household. People start with some wish list they want to catch in this year. 

Before i start my wish list, i want to flash back in 2022. 

My 2022 kaleidoscope:

January: 

1. My baby is 3 months old. 

2. My birthday

3. My baby first staycation

4. My baby got her first tantrum in her first visit restaurant

February:

1. Moving to mom in law house

2. Lot of my baby pict

3. My bff send me a lot of asi booster

4. A lot of coffee

March: 

1. Move to Jakarta, back to our home

2. Wedding invitation

April:

1. Playdate 

2. My baby fallen down

3. First driving back to hometown with baby 

May:

Playdate again

June:

1. First time go to massage and my hubby back to health again. 

2. Back to hometown to stay when my husband and mom in law went to hajj

3. healthier 

July: 

1. Girls day out bring my baby

2. Wedding invitation with my girl

3. Husband back from hajj

August: 

1. Back to Jakarta

2. Staycation at Semarang 

September 

1. Hubby birthday

2. First time as a giveaway winner

3. Back to Hometown for wedding invitation

October

Got lost in BSD. Like where it is? F 👀it is still in BSD???

my baby is 1 year old 💖

November 

1. trying some new place

2. mom in law is in town

3. mom n dad is in town

December

Back to hometown for another wedding party.

Maybe i don't have something important to tell or maybe i don't have any achievement in myself. But i hope i can achieve something this year. 😕

This year, i want to start my life more discipline, less social media and more reading.  

30 Desember 2022

 I was read in BBC, earlier you eat it will be making it more energy than you eat lately. As a mom and housewife, i know my schedule depend on my baby schedule. Before 6 am, i will made an alot things to do (of course before she wakes up) like making a breakfast, lunch for me and my husband, her baby meal three times a day, sometimes put laundry, maybe sweeping. But i just take my breakfast usually between 10 am. Before have a kid, i usually take my breakfast earlier, between 8 am. Sometimes, i get my feeling so angry, and tired in the same times. Now i really know how baby blues made. 

It is all about sacrifice

 Being mom is all about sacrifice. You cannot be selfish or self-centered anymore. When you be a mom, you cannot put yourself without thinking about your kids. Maybe it is simple like meal, snack or maybe something bigger like life decision. Maybe you need thinking about be a fulltime mom or back to work. As a mom, maybe you need to choose between time you can spend with your kids just a few hours in a day or you can be 24 hours with your kids, but you need to be dependent with your husband. Maybe something simple such as what time your kids should take a shower in this day. 

Update

 So, how's life going?

Well, I have a lot of things to tell. First, I have a chance to attend one really big and most awesome wedding i ever know. Well..... not because the food, or anything on it. But... I met a lot of great greaaaat people on it. I met a lot most important people in this country, some maybe i never ever imagine can talk and take a selfie with them. First of all, Thanks to my best friend who can made it for me. I just don't believe you are really and think i am your best friend HAHA😂

Another news

Still, have some trouble... But i can make it. 

And maybe just it. 

Still hoping i can write more 😗