Officially mom

 After 3 months hiatus. 

Today *finally* I got my short time to open my blog just a few updates.

Here I am

Finally, I am officially a mom. yay!

My daughter was born in October 2021. A beautiful creature I ever have. 

So, wish me luck 😋💗

 Today my husband buy his *pending* hobby in technology. A few days ago, he scrolling a lot about the laptop stand and the new keyboard. Finally, after 3.5 years know him and 1.5 years being his wife, I can see his hobby and passion. Sometimes, I worried about his unseen hobbies. But maybe he is pending all his hobbies because he saving bit by bit of money under our family as his top priority. 💗💗💗

 As long as I can thinking about the civil war and how America is always and always trying to have a finger in the pie many countries, I think the Afghan war never has ended. But on several days, America has withdrawn its troops and short their leave Afghanistan. 

Then Afghanistan has the Taliban as their leader. There is something strange but how if America has something to hide with every country has their focus to covid and Afghanistan? hahaha just kidding. It's midnight random though. 

Moralities

Where does our sense of right and wrong come from?

 Marry me. 

So I can stay hearing your midnight voice while licking your cheek. 

Today, Indonesia chaos

 

Today, Indonesia is in the worst case covid disaster ever. Everyone has been burnout facing this never-ending pandemic. everybody getting tired, surrender, and losing hope for tomorrow. We compete with each other to protect the loved one. We compete to protect our home. The government looks already confused and losing hope to cut down the number.

Death tool for covid reaches a peak in 1500 people in one day. The worst cases after country announce the pandemic. Every day, obituary had announced in mosques, social media, and WhatsApp groups. Obituary sounds weather report which no one cares about anymore. Not only old people with severe illness but also younger people in productive ages being death covid victim.  

Society has been sickly and starting to blow up. Governance did many stupid and incompetent acts, additionally, they showed up. 

Started with the president had given his duty to his minister and he (by himself) traveled and gave away groceries. There is not something commonly the president does. There is something too micromanagement for his class. It is all showed up in the media. In another case, one of the children from the covid lead has been honeymoon in Japan when their father trying all the things to stop the covid spread. Different stories, one of minister showing how his too busy watched soap opera on television and starting to tell all how his thinking about the story. The best thing for all the story is society pay our tax for stupid things. To watching how stupid and comedy develop our country. 

For all the problems we faced about the covid pandemic. It is all starts with the wrong step. 

From January until February 2020, Indonesia started with closed all fly from-to China. But some people spread issues about how we are still had flights from China. At that time, the government tried to save some Indonesian from Wuhan and give them all ceremonial welcoming parties. 

Did you know? Some ministers tried to hasty and injudicious acts to covid19. From the underestimate statements until underestimate health sectors. 

The governments forget about how big and characteristic Indonesian is. How people loved to catch up and gathering all types of events. 

The first strategic acts tried by Jakarta governor, He tried to propose to president to lockdown Jakarta area. Everybody laughed to him and connect him from political side. 

Indonesia has a basic and important law about quarantine. 

Article 55 paragraph 1 reads: During the Territorial Quarantine, the basic necessities of life for people and food for livestock in the quarantine area are the responsibility of the Central Government.

 This means the government should pay for the necessities of life for all people in quarantine areas. And what they said? They or the country do not have enough money to quarantine all people.

 Then, the government tried to PPKM or we can call it lockdown with not optimal effects. People have difficulties to go any kind of activities but the government can not guarantee their lives. People also have difficulties with flight but it is easier traveling use a car between PPKM. 

We all known, how hard to stop the spread of the covid in Indonesia because many reasons:

1. Lack of serious action from government at the beginning of covid

        The authority widespread idleness about covid. These were made most citizens think covid more look like influenza than something serious. 

2. hoax spread in easily way before the covid vaccine

3. people choose to die because covid than die because have no money

4. hurt truth: corruption in every part covid handling acts. 

5. lack of tracing 

6. Lack of health workers than patients

7. Bad data citizen. 

6 Months After Laying Off

 It has been 6 months after laying off. How I feel... 

I feel empty, useless, lost of dreams, lost of respect for myself, and lost of the meaning of life. I blame myself for everything I have through. I blame how I was incapable and also not good enough for myself. 

I don't have time or maybe I am not let myself grieve or crying like I used to. I don't have my Sophie in my side this time when I broke. like always, she always by my side to watch me cry. 

I lost my confidence

I lost feeling control myself 

I lost my professional identity

1 month after laying off. I believe it has been my fault. 2 months after laying off, I believe my boss got his karma. Three months after laying off, I believe I am not alone. Two my colleague has been laying off too. For 4 months I believe, someone who doesn't like me is the one who has responsibility for why I lost my job.  

But, 

Whatever happens in the past, still burns me inside. Whatever happens outside, I still can't control it. Nothing can change. I am still jobless. 

I was read helping mental health when someone losing their job. 

It is written, I should avoid beating myself up.  I should change the word and I should appreciate more for myself. But, how? how I can change the world if I feel so lost. I have no one who can cheer me up. Even I so realize happiness is under my control. 

Stay at home mom

 I would talk about how women keeping their dream for her family. 

When you decide to get married, you know everything about compromise. I have been at home since 6 months ago. As someone who can't stay at home before and always keeping me busy in my job, I never thought I will be a stay-at-home mom. 

from research stay-at-home moms likely to get depression than working moms. 

never been in my mind, I will stay at home and compromise with a man. I never think about that. Then, everything has changed. I love him more than my dream. Love changed someone. Sometimes I get worried and asking too many questions about my decision. I was afraid if one day he will let me down. However, I tried to believe in him. 

Today, I am expecting my first baby, our first baby. He/she still in my womb, growing healthy as we wish. As a new mom, I always happy and scared at the same time. People keep telling me how motherhood is, and I think I feel it now. once again, love changed someone. 

My PCOS (1)

 So, I decided to write every day. 

Today I will tell you about my PCOS struggle. yes, I have unbalanced hormones. Started 2019, I have a lot of problems with acne, mood, sleep but not for periods. Since I do not have something wrong with my periods, I don't think I have something wrong with my body. Then, it started when I married. My husband and I don't think we are postponing having a kid. then, I found out, my periods having trouble. I have long periods and every time I check on pregnancy tests, it always negative. and once upon a time, I haven't periods for 70 days, and again, it always negative. I went to the doctor to check if I have a miracle such as I am pregnant but somehow pregnancy test can't detect it.  But, the doctor diagnoses me have PCOS. but the doctor told me I have a big egg so I have more chance to pregnant than PCOS in smaller eggs. He told me to started my healthy lifestyle and keeping my diet on protein and vegan-based. and he told me to read more journal about PCOS then decides my turn. Since I married less than 1 year, he doesn't rush us to get pregnant as soon. He keeps told me to keep my happy mood and pray as always. 

two months later, 

That is not my period's time but it's time for the covid vaccine. In Indonesia, pregnant women cannot get the covid vaccine.  for this case, I don't want to take a risk. I bought my pregnancy test and nothing to lose. 

surprised, I am pregnant 😀

I never ever expected I will pregnant soon. I hope my symptoms not getting worse and the bonuses I got my first pregnancy. 

I will be sharing my diet in my next post. 

 most people will be thinking Indonesia isn't okay. But, some people will keep this in their mind, some people will give their opinion on their private social media and some will shout harder. 

this week, Indonesia surprised by UI student executive board criticism of Mr. Jokowi as king of lip service. Why? they thinking some opinion out of him different from his act. They give their opinion depends on their research and it's quite amazing. 

Not too long from their post, some UI students have been hacking by unknown. This is not surprising to me. I have been watching some cases suddenly silenced by again unknown. 

Mr. Jokowi has been promised to strengthen Komisi Pemberantasa Korupsi and today all Indonesian know 70 KPK investigator has been dismissed. This is one of some cases why people criticism his work. 

As an unknown woman without power, I don't know how to react to this thing in my country. I just pray this thing will be over soon and the kind-good-smart leader will be born soon. 

keep alive

 

It's has been 1.5 years covid hit Indonesia and almost 2 years spread in the world. Started in China, people thinking it will be the same as SARS. Every person feeling the impact, of losing their loved one, job, and mind.  Every leader is examined with crisis time and the fool one will become laughing stocks. 

I never think about Indonesia before. I lived in my small box in a small town with a forever leader as a king. I never think about someone tell me how the leader will be showing their true face in the second time there as a leader. I think this is true because I feel the funny and worst leadership the second time. No one knows exactly what happens with the state budget and everything just losing. The country doesn't have enough money to keep its people not hungry for a while. Some people steal the state budget with an unbelievable number and they're still okay with that. And the poor will become poorer. Many people cant keep their stomachs for some little food. and of course, the country doesn't care. And what the book says about you just need to adapt when the bad government did the job. 

So, keep alive. Thinking about your family first. Noone cares about you unless yourself.