I just believe, every mother want the best for their child. 

Please just dont blame every mom when they (when you think) failed. 

 i have plan to rewatch all harry potter series movies for this weekend. But, i just found Netflix doest have harry potter movies in there. LIKE WHY??!

My useless monday

 Today, i went to mall for extended my driver lisence. There much information told about easily extend driver lisence on jogja city mall. I was so happy because i can bring my baby and mom as babysitter with me. When i processed my driver lisence i hope they walking around mall.

But, 

I was asked to security mall and he clearly told me about police station stopped operation since outbreak pandemic. 

And 

I back home with nothing unless baby pyjamas and my mom pyjamas. 

☺☺☺☺☺

Baby Blues

 Do you ever hear about baby blues?

Many of us doesnt realize how important closest circle can heal baby blues syndrome. 

As a new mom, i never knew about baby blues. Although i dont feel mood swing or maybe feeling anxiety, i little bit understand what most caused baby blues and maybe post partum syndrome especially in our culture. 

As asian family, we know clearly how our parents never let us living alone and they will be around us until we have kids. Mostly indonesia newly weds living together with their parent with many reason. From homeless until responsibility to take care our parent in their olod age reason. And mostly (again) have little bit dispute with our parent. Maybe some dispute will be bigger when one side doesnt want to give in. Our parent thinking they live longger so they should have more knowledge. Their kids thinking they have more knowledge because they learn more with all technology and science. 

Baby blues needs support from closest relatives, means husband or family. But, It will be hard when mostly asian family still interve from many family decisions.  For the family who get interve from example their parent in law will make baby blues getting worst and maybe some cases will getting into postpartum sydrome. 

Indonesia, have a lot example cases such as baby diapers, breast milk, v section and sc section until vaccination. 

Let me tell you more about it, 

Baby diapers

In indonesia, baby diapers still made a debate between clody team or diapers team. 

Fyi, clody means washable baby diapers which using fabric and diapers mean disposable diapers. 

When many relatives from parents come home last months, they asked me "why i put on diapers to my baby" i already told them "because i have many guest today, i need to do many things and i cant watch her every second to change her clody" and one of them scold me and told me "Baby girls shouldnt use diapers everytime than boys, because it make them have bad foot shape"

and i dont know why, that night i cried a lot. Glad i have a supportive husband who calming me to avoid them. 

Breast milk 

Of course people know how good breast milk than formula. All asian old people know about that. But, how if mother cant give their baby breast milk because she cant not because she donot want to. 

I know some people cant give their babies breast milk because they just have a little breast milk and it is not enough for their babies. 

And much more...

And sometimes, if the newly mom listen much what peopl talk  and it always overwhelmed. It is tired and of course it much pressure on it. 

in my cases, i am very lucky to have a supportive husband who calming me down. If i dont have supportive husband, maybe i will be crazy mom... i will get postpartum sydrom because it is too much pressure from people around me. 

Officially mom

 After 3 months hiatus. 

Today *finally* I got my short time to open my blog just a few updates.

Here I am

Finally, I am officially a mom. yay!

My daughter was born in October 2021. A beautiful creature I ever have. 

So, wish me luck 😋💗

 Today my husband buy his *pending* hobby in technology. A few days ago, he scrolling a lot about the laptop stand and the new keyboard. Finally, after 3.5 years know him and 1.5 years being his wife, I can see his hobby and passion. Sometimes, I worried about his unseen hobbies. But maybe he is pending all his hobbies because he saving bit by bit of money under our family as his top priority. 💗💗💗

 As long as I can thinking about the civil war and how America is always and always trying to have a finger in the pie many countries, I think the Afghan war never has ended. But on several days, America has withdrawn its troops and short their leave Afghanistan. 

Then Afghanistan has the Taliban as their leader. There is something strange but how if America has something to hide with every country has their focus to covid and Afghanistan? hahaha just kidding. It's midnight random though. 

Moralities

Where does our sense of right and wrong come from?

 Marry me. 

So I can stay hearing your midnight voice while licking your cheek. 

Today, Indonesia chaos

 

Today, Indonesia is in the worst case covid disaster ever. Everyone has been burnout facing this never-ending pandemic. everybody getting tired, surrender, and losing hope for tomorrow. We compete with each other to protect the loved one. We compete to protect our home. The government looks already confused and losing hope to cut down the number.

Death tool for covid reaches a peak in 1500 people in one day. The worst cases after country announce the pandemic. Every day, obituary had announced in mosques, social media, and WhatsApp groups. Obituary sounds weather report which no one cares about anymore. Not only old people with severe illness but also younger people in productive ages being death covid victim.  

Society has been sickly and starting to blow up. Governance did many stupid and incompetent acts, additionally, they showed up. 

Started with the president had given his duty to his minister and he (by himself) traveled and gave away groceries. There is not something commonly the president does. There is something too micromanagement for his class. It is all showed up in the media. In another case, one of the children from the covid lead has been honeymoon in Japan when their father trying all the things to stop the covid spread. Different stories, one of minister showing how his too busy watched soap opera on television and starting to tell all how his thinking about the story. The best thing for all the story is society pay our tax for stupid things. To watching how stupid and comedy develop our country. 

For all the problems we faced about the covid pandemic. It is all starts with the wrong step. 

From January until February 2020, Indonesia started with closed all fly from-to China. But some people spread issues about how we are still had flights from China. At that time, the government tried to save some Indonesian from Wuhan and give them all ceremonial welcoming parties. 

Did you know? Some ministers tried to hasty and injudicious acts to covid19. From the underestimate statements until underestimate health sectors. 

The governments forget about how big and characteristic Indonesian is. How people loved to catch up and gathering all types of events. 

The first strategic acts tried by Jakarta governor, He tried to propose to president to lockdown Jakarta area. Everybody laughed to him and connect him from political side. 

Indonesia has a basic and important law about quarantine. 

Article 55 paragraph 1 reads: During the Territorial Quarantine, the basic necessities of life for people and food for livestock in the quarantine area are the responsibility of the Central Government.

 This means the government should pay for the necessities of life for all people in quarantine areas. And what they said? They or the country do not have enough money to quarantine all people.

 Then, the government tried to PPKM or we can call it lockdown with not optimal effects. People have difficulties to go any kind of activities but the government can not guarantee their lives. People also have difficulties with flight but it is easier traveling use a car between PPKM. 

We all known, how hard to stop the spread of the covid in Indonesia because many reasons:

1. Lack of serious action from government at the beginning of covid

        The authority widespread idleness about covid. These were made most citizens think covid more look like influenza than something serious. 

2. hoax spread in easily way before the covid vaccine

3. people choose to die because covid than die because have no money

4. hurt truth: corruption in every part covid handling acts. 

5. lack of tracing 

6. Lack of health workers than patients

7. Bad data citizen. 

6 Months After Laying Off

 It has been 6 months after laying off. How I feel... 

I feel empty, useless, lost of dreams, lost of respect for myself, and lost of the meaning of life. I blame myself for everything I have through. I blame how I was incapable and also not good enough for myself. 

I don't have time or maybe I am not let myself grieve or crying like I used to. I don't have my Sophie in my side this time when I broke. like always, she always by my side to watch me cry. 

I lost my confidence

I lost feeling control myself 

I lost my professional identity

1 month after laying off. I believe it has been my fault. 2 months after laying off, I believe my boss got his karma. Three months after laying off, I believe I am not alone. Two my colleague has been laying off too. For 4 months I believe, someone who doesn't like me is the one who has responsibility for why I lost my job.  

But, 

Whatever happens in the past, still burns me inside. Whatever happens outside, I still can't control it. Nothing can change. I am still jobless. 

I was read helping mental health when someone losing their job. 

It is written, I should avoid beating myself up.  I should change the word and I should appreciate more for myself. But, how? how I can change the world if I feel so lost. I have no one who can cheer me up. Even I so realize happiness is under my control.